@DeanB15: Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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@erikbransteen: Future Headline: “Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies, Hillary Caught Using Friend's Netflix Password Undecideds Still On The Fence”
@Cpin42: [sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn't waste any time, did you Becky
@C00LpenNAME: 12yo daughter: *SCREAMS* Me: WHAT?! 12yo: A spider! Me: It’s just a spider 12yo: I don’t want it to bite me! Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude