@DeanB15: Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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@SardonicTart: [Job Interview] How would you describe your time management skills? Me: Can we talk about this later? I'm late for an appointment.
@KeetPotato: *swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
@briangaar: Honey, look what I found on our son's computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I'm calling the police
@BuckyIsotope: Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking "are you gonna eat that?" during the procedures.