Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians