Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!