worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Just grow your own
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse