Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading