Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.