* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
love it when they get my name right
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER