KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why