Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Lmao
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there