Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Nomnomnomnom
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.