@slimmy_shady: Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I'm flirting.
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@PatSandora: NYCer: OMG you’re in the city?! Visitor: Yes! NYCer: I’d love to see you! Let me know if you end up on my exact block. I will not travel.
@Flattliner: I'm introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
@Reverend_Scott: Goodnight honey. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" The stork flies them in. "Why's it take 9 months?" Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
@chunkypony: *leaves one gummy bear in the packet* i'm letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops