@slimmy_shady: Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I'm flirting.
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@RealSamHarwood: A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, "no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis"
@Manali_Shetye5: If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with "What did you do?".
@amydillon: One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
@rockymomax: ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer