I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!