[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds