[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
This why you should mind your business
Legend 🤣🤣
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything