[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend