kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Not today, today.
Not today.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My love language is deader than Latin
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy