Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?