Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me