Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please