[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.