Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
are they though??
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Any refunds available?…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.