Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Just a bush.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!