Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
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karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Google assistant rules
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.