Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.