“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet