*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Guilty! 🤪
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat