“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry