“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
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*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Raisins are grape jerky.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”