if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing