[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.