*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
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I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.