Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*