[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Tastes like chicken.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Care for your back
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?