[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
hmmm
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?