I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
live long and prosper!
My wedding will be open casket.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.