[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I like long walks away from everyone
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.