*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I hope they boil the right one.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The future is now.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering