[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Wait a minute
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
titanic
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
gentlemen, hear me out
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?