“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.