“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Canada has crack?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR