Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Noted.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.