@NikiWithIssues: Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.
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@IAmMikeFeeney: What they say: "Hey, have you lost weight?" What they mean: "Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?"
@JohnLyonTweets: My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn't ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
@JoParkerBear: Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent? This is the last straw. He just lost my vote in 2020.