Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys