Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name