Knuckle tats:
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HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Love it! 👍😂
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.