Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
You Might Also Like
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say