[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one