Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Said the murderer.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My typo game is string.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Vodka burrito was a success
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
the noise i just made
Just grow your own