30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Before & after 😅
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.