#StillHurts
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.