Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.