[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Born to be mild.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.